Atlas of the Heart – by Brené Brown
Date read: 8/14/22. Recommendation: 9/10.
I dearly needed to read this book when I did. I’ve been struggling to truly understand the nuance between different emotions and experiences and working to hone my own empathy so I’m able to show up in a more helpful way for the people in my life. Brené delivers the perfect book for making sense of our feelings and experiences. she emphasizes the impact of language—it’s not just to communicate emotion, it also shapes what we’re feeling. She digs into 150 human emotions and experiences throughout the book, detailing each. To wrap up the book, she spends time exploring the concept of ‘near enemies’ which I found incredibly helpful. As Brené explains, on the surface, the near enemies of emotions or experiences might look and even feel like connection, but ultimately they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other.
See my notes below or Amazon for details and reviews.
My Notes:
The power of language:
“Language does more than just communicate emotion, it can actually shape what we’re feeling. Our understanding of our own and others’ emotions is shaped by how we perceive, categorize, and describe emotional experiences.” BB
Making sense of our feelings and experience:
“Just like a map, the interaction between the layers of our emotions and experiences tells our story. But rather than elevation and roads and water, human emotions and experiences are layers of biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” BB
Understand how they show up in our bodies and why (biology)
Get curious about how our families and communities shape our beliefs about the connection between our feelings, thoughts, and behavior (biography)
Examine our go-to (behaviors)
Recognize the context of what we’re feeling or thinking. What brought this on? (backstory)
Stressed and overwhelmed:
“Feeling stressed and overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions: Am I coping? Can I handle this? Am I inching towards quicksand?” BB
Not a setup for successful decision-making: “I’m feeling my emotions at about 10, I’m paying attention to them at about 5, and I understand them at about 2.”
Admiration and reverence:
“Admiration fosters self-betterment, reverence seems to foster a desire for connection to what we revere—we want to move closer to that thing or person.” BB
Resentment:
“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger…It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” BB
“Now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, What is that person doing wrong? or What should they be doing? I think, What do I need but am afraid to ask for?” BB
Freudenfreude:
The enjoyment of another’s success.
“Shoy: intentionally sharing in the joy of someone relating a success story by showing interest and asking follow-up questions.” BB
“Bragitude: intentionally tying words of gratitude toward the listener following the discussion of personal success.” BB
Expressing gratitude when others share joy: “Thank you for celebrating this with me. It means so much that you’re happy for me.” BB
Unexamined expectations:
As Brené and her husband were raising their children, they would often find weekends where the other person was out of town were easier, despite having to manage all the kids solo. When they were both parenting together on weekends they would often feel like the other wasn’t unhelpful and didn’t make it easier. What they realized is that when they were solo parenting, they let go of all expectations to get their own stuff done. They each gave up their to-do list and just rolled with the chaos. Now before weekends, vacations, or busy workweeks, they talk about expectations and ask each other, “What do you want this weekend to look like?” Brené might say, “This is going to be a busy weekend. I’m down for whatever we need to do, but I would like to swim at least one day.”
Awe and wonder:
“Wonder inspires the wish to understand; awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite.” Ulrich Weger and Johannes Wagemann
“Wonder fuels our passion for exploration and learning, for curiosity and adventure.” BB
Hope:
“Hope is learned…To learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. Children with a high level of hopefulness have experience with adversity. They’ve been given the opportunity to struggle, and in doing that they learn how to believe in themselves and their abilities.” BB
“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”
Empathy:
“Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.” BB
“Cognitive empathy, sometimes called perspective taking or mentalizing, is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s emotions…If someone is feeling lonely, empathy doesn’t require us to feel lonely too, only to reach back into our own experience with loneliness so we can understand and connect.” BB
“We can respond empathetically only if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain.” BB
Empathy is not walking in someone else’s shoes. It’s about learning how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experience.
“Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience.” BB
Theresa Wiseman’s attributes of empathy:
Perspective taking: What does that concept mean for you? What is that experience like for you?
Staying out of judgment: Just listen, don’t put value on it.
Recognizing emotion: How can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with what the other person might be feeling. Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions.
Communicating our understanding about the emotion: Sometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply, “Shit. That’s hard. I get that.”
Practicing mindfulness: This is not pushing away emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.
“The antidote to shame is empathy…Shame needs you to believe that you’re alone. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame.” BB
Be the learner, not the knower.
Sympathy:
“Sympathy is removed: When someone says, ‘I feel sorry for you’ or ‘That must be terrible,’ they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful ‘me too’ of empathy, it communicates ‘not me,’ then adds, ‘But I do feel sorry for you.’” BB
Perfectionism:
“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think?” BB
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” BB
Humiliation:
“Never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence.” Elie Wiesel
Belonging:
“We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging.” BB
Love:
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them—we can love others only as much as love ourselves.” BB
“We need more real love. Gritty, dangerous, wild-eyed, justice-seeking love.” BB
Trust:
BRAVING tool
Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.
Reliability: You do what you say you’ll do.
Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.
Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy.
Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need.
Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Gratitude:
“Gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. We spend so much time watching things—movies, computer screens, sports—but with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators.” Robert Emmons
Self-righteousness:
The conviction that one’s beliefs and behaviors are the most correct. Leads to inflexibility, intolerance to ambiguity, and less consideration of others’ opinions.
Mostly, self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority and trying to convince ourselves and others that we’re doing the right thing. Shows up as performative moral outrage on social media.
Near enemies:
“Near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality but actually undermine it. Far enemies are the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve. For example, a near enemy of loving-kindness is sentimentality—similar but different. A far enemy of loving-kindness is ill will—the opposite of loving-kindness. Similarly, a near enemy of compassion is pity and a far enemy is cruelty.” Chris Gerner
“On the surface, the near enemies of emotions or experiences might look and even feel like connection, but ultimately they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other. Without awareness, near enemies become the practices that fuel separation…” BB
“The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, ‘I will love this person (because I need something from them).’ Or, ‘I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.’ True love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aim to possess.” Jack Kornfield
“It’s the near enemies of connection—the imposters than can look and feel like cultivating closeness—that sabotage relationships and leave us feeling alone and in pain.” BB